I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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