It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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