hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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