True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
