I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
