Pants 0. Shit 1.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
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