guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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