sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
