I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
