4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
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