That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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