Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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