Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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