Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
