Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
