i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
