If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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