Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
