Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
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