Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
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