i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
