So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I'm having to shit out rocks
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize