one word: firstdatebathroomanal
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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