If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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