the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
