can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
We need to rekindle our bromance
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
They have beer where we have blood.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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