You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I want her autograph on my taint
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
