If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
