Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
