I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
