she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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