I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
