I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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