i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize