evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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