I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
