well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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