I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
