i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Randomize
