so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
