Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
In America we eat man semen.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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