Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
No stitches, just platelets and will power
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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