he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
