I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
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