Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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