This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
