Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Randomize
