eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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