In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
