Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
