yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Randomize