the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize