I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
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