birth control should be required to get into college
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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