I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
