Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
