I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
