i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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