It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
