You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
