I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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