please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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