Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
