life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
